


Let All Who Are Needy

by gradually, Thistlesweet



Series: Ketzelah [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Clint Barton Friendship, Canon Jewish Character, Deaf Clint Barton, Erik is a Sweetheart, Female Jewish Character, Friendship, Humor, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Jewish Holidays, Jewish Natasha Romanov, Jewish Peter Parker, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), Pesach | Passover, Yiddish, just for fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 07:19:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18823822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gradually/pseuds/gradually, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thistlesweet/pseuds/Thistlesweet
Summary: Kitty's super excited to be invited to a Passover seder hosted by some wildly cool superheroes--but will she destroy everything by accidentally inviting notorious villain Magneto?There might be, like, one swear in here. But it's pretty clean, I promise.





	Let All Who Are Needy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gradually](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gradually/gifts).



> There's a fair amount of Yiddish in here. I think most of it is pretty easy to understand from context clues, but I'll add a little glossary at the end, with Yiddish words and anything else you might not know. Also, I'm not explaining every step of a Passover seder, but even if you're not familiar with how they work it shouldn't be too confusing? It's basically a retelling of the exodus story, done ceremonially before dinner every year. That's the whole holiday. That, and also not being allowed to eat a whole bunch of foods for a week.

“Why are you facetiming me?” Kitty asked. “Your room is next door.”

“Check your email,” said Wanda.

Kitty flopped upside down on her bed, holding her phone in a way that made it clear she was facetiming upside down. “Why would I do that?”

Wanda scoffed. “Because that’s how some people try to communicate? I thought you were a computer genius. Is that all talk?”

Kitty phased her hand through the wall by her bed and stuck up her middle finger.

“Very mature,” said Wanda. Her accent got a little stronger around that word.

“All right, all right,” Kitty said, and pulled her hand back into her own room. She opened her laptop. “School email or personal email?”

“Wait, you don’t even check your personal email?” Wanda shook her head. “School email.”

“All my teachers text,” Kitty said. “Oh, that makes sense. You have Xavier for mind stuff and he probably still uses email.” She paused while she typed in the X-Men email server's url. “Because he’s old.”

“He can probably hear you,” said Wanda.

“He won’t mind,” said Kitty. “He knows he’s old.” She drew up the email page. At the top there was an email from--

“Is that Steve Rogers?” Kitty asked. “Like, Captain America?” Her heart leapt.

Wanda hung up. Which was, really, quite rude.

“Fuck you,” Kitty thought in Wanda’s direction, and she hoped Wanda was listening. Then she got distracted by the fact that Captain America (!) was in her inbox (!!!).

She clicked on the email.

“To whom it may concern” (It read in bright purple letters),

“If you’re getting this email, you are invited to the superseder. What’s that, you may ask? Aha! I will tell you.”

Okay. That didn’t really sound like Captain America. To be fair, Kitty didn’t really know the guy. But she’d seen the PSA about eating right, and the one about exercise, and the one about… well, all of them. And this didn't seem like him.

The email continued, in font that didn’t make Kitty’s eyes bleed:

“Okay, you might sense this isn’t Captain America. That was Clint there, and he’s making me keep that in or else he’s going to cut my hair when I’m sleeping using a throwing star (his words, not mine). This invitation is coming From Bucky Barnes. I don’t have an email because I’m still not one hundred per cent sure I’m legally alive. Or how they work. I’m trying to get the hang of Netflix first, because honestly, that’s more applicable to my everyday life.

“Anyway. If you have nowhere else to go for Passover, you’re welcome to come to our seder on April 19th. No need to bring anything, just RSVP so we know how many Haggadot to print. But we’ll print a few extra, so feel free to invite a guest (as long as they have a secret identity :))

“Chag Pesach sameach,

“Bucky Barnes (AND CLINT!!!)”

The Clint part was in purple, again. Kitty shut the computer, then opened it again, to check if the email was still there. It was, purple letters and all.

“Huh,” she said, and called Wanda again. She thought she wanted to go (she definitely wanted to go), but not alone.

“Yeah, I’m going,” said Wanda, immediately upon answering the call.

“Wow, it’s like you read my mind,” Kitty said. "Wow. Bucky Barnes. Clint Barton. Wow! Who else is invited?"

“Pietro and I were invited. I don’t know who else, though.”

“Can we carpool?”

Wanda rolled her eyes. “Obviously. You do know no one drives in the City, right? We’re just driving to the train station. But I wouldn’t have to drive you everywhere if you got your driver’s license.”

Kitty sat back on her bed. “I’m gay,” she said. “Have a little respect.”

Wanda just hung up, again.

+++++

Kitty had thought that the whole quick and witty superhero banter thing would be easy to get the hang of. After all, she already had a lovely rapport with Wanda, and she was a very active and funny member of multiple discord servers. She also had watched every single Mel Brooks movie on top of already being Jewish, so she really knew comedy, you know? Like, Scott Summers was goyische as they come, and even he could get in some really side-splitting zingers.

However, when she was letting various sharp pieces of metal phase through her, trying not to get stabbed but also trying to stay corporeal so she could throw things at Magneto, she wasn’t quite so good. She waited until none of the other X-Men were in earshot before she tried to start a witty repartee.

“Hey, uh, Helmet hair!” she yelled.

It wasn’t smooth, but he was so startled that he stopped making shards of metal shoot towards Storm for a minute. “What?”

“Uh, you’re wearing a helmet!” said Kitty. She went red.

“Is this supposed to be… banter?” asked Magneto.

“It’s not just supposed to be banter… It is!” Kitty wasn’t sure she had any control over her mouth at this point. She was a little slow at phasing to miss a shard of metal, and she could have sworn Magneto felt so sorry for her shitty bantering skills that he actually made it avoid her spleen.

“You’re really not good at this, Ketzelah,” Magneto called back. “And our people invented humor. You should really watch some Mel Brooks.”

Oof, that stung. More than the metal would, probably.

“Oh yeah?” Kitty retorted. At this point, Magneto wasn’t even shooting that much metal at her, just a shard every few seconds, shooting a bunch at everyone else. She herself was throwing things extremely halfheartedly. “Well, you’re so lonely, maybe I should invite you to my seder.”

"What? How is that an insult?"

"Because the haggadah says let all who are hungry come eat... anyway, it just is! You're so lonely, I should invite you."

Magneto stopped shooting metal at her completely. “Really? I’d like that.”

Kitty had to recover for a moment. She had no idea what do do. She'd thought she'd just be thoroughly embarrassed by this whole banter fail, watch some Marvelous Mrs Maisel, and try again next time. She had not expected to accidentally invite Magneto anywhere. But let all who are needy come and celebrate Passover, right?

“Uh, do you have a pen? I can give you the information.”

“I can keep it all up here,” Magneto said, tapping his head. “Geshayt.”

“Uh, okay,” said Kitty, so she gave him the date and address. “And you won’t do any, uh, villainy, right?”

Magneto looked genuinely shocked she’d suggest such a thing. “It’s a seder, Ketzelah,” he said, as if the answer should be obvious.

And the fight continued on. Except now Kitty was also dueling with the sinking feeling in her gut.

+++++

Kitty had to admit: she did not know what to expect when they walked up to Bucky and Clint’s seder. She also didn’t know how to break it to everyone that she’d accidentally invited Magneto.

“Are Clint and Bucky dating?” Kitty asked Pietro. He and Wanda split their time between the X-Mansion and Avengers Tower, and he spent more time training with Hawkeye.

“Are you kidding?” Pietro said. “Bucky has standards. He’s dating Sam Wilson.”

“That was mean,” Kitty said. “Is Sam Wilson going to be there?”

“He had a mission,” said Pietro. “Captain America probably won’t be there either. He has a big fancy seder for some fundraising thing. Or something.”

“Why’s Clint co hosting, then?” Kitty asked.

“Because he has an apartment,” said Wanda. “He owns the building. Or else he probably wouldn’t be able to afford one, on an Avengers salary.”

Huh. Kitty hadn’t even thought of that.

They rang the doorbell, and a tall blond guy wearing all purple down to his yarmulke and hearing aids answered, beaming ear to ear. Kitty recognized him as Clint Barton, who she'd never see up close. “Happy Passover!” he said.

A yellow dog nuzzled through his legs and started to jump up on Kitty. She scratched his ears.

“That’s Lucky,” said Clint. “If he pretends he hasn’t eaten, don’t believe him. He’s just mad we haven’t had pizza today.” Clint sighed. “I need to stop reminding myself that pizza exists.”

“Who’s here?” Kitty asked.

“Good question,” Clint said. “I have no idea. Bucky and I just take turns sending people into the dining room. Which is the living room with the couch pushed into the bedroom. Go on in. There’s no specific seating arrangement, by the way. In case you were wondering.”

Clint pointed them in the right direction and went back to the kitchen.

When they walked into the dining room, Kitty felt a rush of relief when she saw that Magneto wasn’t there. The table wasn’t big, but it was definitely big for the tiny Bed-Stuy apartment. Someone (probably Clint) had put a purple tablecloth over it, and the seder plate was a really nice old silver one. Nothing was exactly like anything at the seders at Kitty’s parents’ house, but it was all similar enough that she felt comfortable almost at once. It definitely didn’t hurt that the table was set with Zoo Pals paper plates.

But she couldn’t help but get really excited when she saw who was there. Yeah, she was an X-Man. Yeah, she was on first name terms with legends like Ororo and Jean Grey. Yeah, she and Wolverine even occasionally made light fun of each other. But meeting other superheroes? Yeah, that was totally different.

She recognized Bucky Barnes, because she’d googled him instantly to make sure she knew what he looked like. Also she’d seen him from afar when he went to the X-Mansion with Captain America to talk to Professor X. He was wandering around the table, straightening the haggadot. Next to him was Ben Grimm. The Thing. A member of the Fantastic Four. And, honestly, a legend at the whole witty repartee thing. Meeting him alone, Kitty would freak out. He looked just as orange and made of rocks in real life as in the TV reports.

Next to him were a couple people who just looked like regular guys. Wanda leaned over and whispered in her ear, “that’s The Hulk and Spider-Man.”

Kitty’s heart almost jumped into her throat. “Holy shit,” she breathed. The Hulk’s profile she recognized, now that she thought about it, from one time where she and Colossus had gone on a small mission to gently stop him from rampaging too much in a shopping mall. That was embarrassing. She hoped he didn’t remember that. Spider-Man she didn’t recognize at all. He was, like, barely older than her, and looked like a typical Nice Jewish Boy who would try to do the macarena at a bar mitzvah and then be embarrassed by his eighth grade crush’s instagram story about it.

The last person was literally impossible not to recognize, and that made Kitty’s ears turn red. Natasha Romanoff. The Black Widow. Kitty’s first celebrity crush. In person. Ooch ouch, her dignity bones.

Wanda chuckled. “I heard that,” she whispered.

Clint came into the dining room. “Okay, okay. Sit down time. Let’s start this thing if we’re going to eat before midnight.”

“You told me this was the half hour long version,” said Natasha. “Not five hours.”

Clint brightened. “You think I have that kind of attention span? No, I was exaggerating.” He sat down next to Natasha. Kitty ended up between Wanda and Spider-Man. Or Peter Parker. She figured this was probably a human person name kind of an event. “Okay. Bucky, do you want to start?”

“Is it finally time to remind myself why I hate Manischewitz?” Ben Grimm asked, reaching for the wine.

“At least let him start the seder before you get schnackered,” Bruce said. “Go on, Bucky.”

Ben grumbled something under his breath but left the wine alone.

Bucky picked up the haggadah. “Baruch atah Adonai, elo--”

There was a knock on the door.

Clint looked around the room, counted on his fingers, lost count, looked around, and counted again.

“Everyone who RSVP’d is here,” Bucky said.

Kitty’s heart dropped into her stomach. “Elijah?” She suggested, trying to sound light. Everyone looked at her. A few people laughed a little.

“I’ll get the door,” said Clint. He got up and went to the other room. Kitty heard him open the door, and say “Holy SHIT!”

“What is it?” Bucky called.

Everyone at the table got up halfway. Then Kitty heard a voice that was unmistakably Magneto's.

“Chag pesach sameach,” he said. “I brought matzoh ball soup. Family recipe.”

“Uh, you can put that in the kitchen.” A door opened, then closed.

Then Clint popped his head back into the living room. “It’s Magneto.”

“I gathered,” said Bucky. “How’d he get the invite?”

“I’ll ask him,” said Clint, and he popped back into the kitchen. He popped out a moment later. “He says it was Kitty.”

Everyone looked at her again. “Uh,” she said, “Let all who are hungry come eat?”

“Are you serious?” Pietro asked. “Wanda, please tell me she is not serious.”

“She is serious,” Wanda said. “Kitty, I can’t believe you’re serious.”

Everyone was still looking at her. “He has a secret identity,” she said. “His name’s actually Erik. Spelled like the Phantom of the Opera. You know, with a “k.” And, uh, he’s. Well, he could… contribute…”

“She makes a good point,” Natasha said. “Come on, give him a chance. He’s ninety. What’s he gonna do, tell us to get off his lawn?”

“I have a metal arm,” said Bucky. “And I’m ninety, too. Actually, I think I might be older than him.”

“I’m with grandpa,” said Ben. “I’ve had more fights with Maggie than I can count on two hands.”

Bruce sighed. “He brought matzoh ball soup. You can’t turn away an old man who brought matzoh ball soup.”

“That’s not a commandment, but it should be,” said Clint.

Bucky sighed. “Fine. He can stay.”

“Great,” Clint said. “I’m just gonna go get another haggadah and a Zoo Pals plate.”

Fifteen minutes later, Erik Lehnsherr was wedged between Ben Grimm and Bruce Banner.

“I like the tiger,” he said. “Zeyer Shtark.”

“Back to business,” said Bucky. “Baruch atah Adonai, Elohenu melach Ha-olam, Borei p’ree ha gaffen.” While he said the second blessing over the wine, they passed the bottle around and filled their glasses. Kitty didn’t fill hers too far.

“Oh, lightweight,” Wanda muttered.

“I’m fourteen, gimme a break,” Kitty muttered back.

“--Lazman hazeh,” Bucky finished the second blessing, “The first cup of wine.” He raised his glass. “Okay, to save time before we get to eat, maybe only drink some of the wine so we don’t need to keep refilling--”

“Too late,” said Ben Grimm. “Gimme.”

Peter handed him the Manischewitz bottle. Everyone else just took a sip.

“My first seder in America, I was twenty-two,” said Magneto. “I’d just started dating Charles, the first time around.” He waved at Kitty, Wanda and Pietro. “You know, he seems all proper now, but the stories I could tell. I won’t, of course. Not with your  _ umshuldik aoyern _ . Anyway, he took one taste of the stuff and spit it out. He just doesn’t appreciate bad wine like we do.” Magneto took another sip.

Kitty had no idea how to react to that.

It seemed Bucky didn’t either. “Ok, so…” He turned to Clint, on his left. “You wanna take the next paragraph?”

“Sure,” said Clint. “Uh, we dip green leaves in salt to remember the tears…” The next few paragraphs were uneventful.

Wanda ended up getting to to break the middle matzoh. She tried to hand the bigger piece to Clint.

“No, Bucky’s hiding the afikomen,” said Clint. “I want to look for it.”

Bucky sighed and put out his hand. “I told Clint it was for you kids, but he wouldn’t listen.” Bucky was too far for Wanda to reach, so she just yeeted the matzoh over with telekinesis.

“And miss out on the best part of the seder? What, Am I an idiot?”

“You’re not givin’ me any evidence that you ain’t,” said Ben Grimm. “Come on, let’s keep going, Maggie’s soup smells real good.”

“Okay, okay,” Wanda said, holding up the smaller piece with the other two matzohs. “This is the bread of affliction, which our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt. Let all who are--” Wanda glanced at Kitty, who could feel her face both heat up and get smug. “Let all who are hungry, come eat. Let all who are needy, come and celebrate Passover with us.”

“This year, we are here; Next year, we will be in Israel. This year, we are slaves; Next year, we will be free,” Magneto finished. “Sorry, sorry, I lose control with a little Manischewitz. I like that part.” he waved at Kitty. “Keep going. Your turn, Ketzelah.”

Kitty cleared her throat and picked up her haggadah. “Uh, okay,” she said.

“I edited this a little,” Bucky said. “If that’s what you’re ‘uhh’-ing about.”

“Right, Okay,” said Kitty. “While we relax and eat at our Passover seder, we are reminded to think about all those who, through poverty or bondage, are not as fortunate. We need to keep in mind ways to make the world a better place--Not only by using our superpowers, but by using our power as people. It is really cool that we have superpowers, through. Bucky you can…” Kitty trailed off. “Bucky, you can delete this, lmao, but I have no impulse control--”

“Clint, you took these to get printed,” Bucky said. “How could you not have remembered to taken that out?”

Clint shrugged. “But it is cool that we have superpowers.”

Bucky sighed. “Keep going, Kitty. Or Peter?”

Kitty nodded to Peter. He picked up his haggadah and licked his lips nervously.

“We pour the second glass of wine, but don’t drink it yet,” said Peter. “Uh, Mr Bucky Barnes? Uh, Captain Winter Soldier? Uh Sir?”

“Bucky,” said Bucky.

“Should I read the, uh, side commentary?”

“That’s what Judaism is all about, Kid,” said Ben Grimm.

Peter nodded. “You pour the second glass of wine, but don’t drink it yet,” he said. “Uh, unless you want to, L-M-A-O-O-O-O--”

Natasha sighed. “Really, Clint?”

Clint shrugged. “It’s a chill seder.”

“Awright, then,” Ben said, and reached for the Manischewitz.

“Clint,” Bucky said, “We’re not going to have enough wine.”

“We have extra,” Clint said in a stage whisper. “Nat brought more.”

Nat smacked him. “That was for girls’ night next week, moron.”

“Omg,” Peter said to Kitty, “They have girls’ night.”

“Omg,” Kitty agreed.

“Okay, Peter,” Bucky said, “You can keep going with the next part.”

“The Haggadah tells the story of the exodus to help us feel a greater connection to ourselves as a Jewish people. While we read, we don’t just passively register the information; we all join in, eating food that symbolizes our ancestor’s experiences, using our table settings as props to mirror the most important things in the story. The Hebrew word for remembrance, zakar, does not simply mean to passively remember; there is an implied sense of action, and it is that sense of action we embrace while we go through the seder.”  Peter stopped. “Uh, so, Bucky, the next paragraph is kind of related. Should I keep reading or is it Dr Bruce’s turn?”

“I’ll say you keep going. It’s a short paragraph.”

Peter nodded. “One way we interact with the text is by asking the four questions. The youngest one at the table…” Peter looked around. “Is that me?”

“It’s certainly not me,” said Magneto. “In fact, I believe I am the oldest.”

“Oh, yeah? What year were you born?” asked Bucky.

“You don’t count,” said Magneto. “You get put in a cryogenic tank a couple of times, all of a sudden you say you’re an alter cocker? Oy vey.”

“You’re saying that because you’re worried I’m older than you,” said Bucky, leaning forward.

Natasha sighed. “Ladies, ladies, you’re both relics. Can Kitty just asked the four questions now?”

“Mah nishtana--” Kitty started.

“Come on, just tell me,” Bucky said. “Or I’ll use the google. Clint, can you look on the google--”

Clint’s phone flew across the table into Magneto’s hand. “Ah ah ah!”

“Hey!” Clint said. “Your powers better not have messed with my high score on candy crush.”

“1928,” said Wanda. Everyone looked at her. She rolled her eyes. “Erik was born in 1928, Bucky was born in 1917, Erik is about to say ‘that doesn’t matter, he’s still a  _ fakakta pisher _ , Bucky was going to do a fist pump in the air but that would be a bad idea because Erik would probably break your arm.”

“I’m older,” Bucky whispered.

Natasha rolled her eyes. “Kitty, read the questions.”

“Go on, Ketzelah,” Magneto added.

“Mah nishtana, ha layla hazeh, mikool ha-laylot. Why is this night different from all other nights. Sheb’kohl--”

“Kitty, your accent is terrible,” said Pietro. “I speak three languages, you can’t handle one and a half?”

“Hey,” Kitty said, “it’s not like I can get to Hebrew school from the X-Mansion.”

“Duolingo, Ketzelah,” said Magneto. “I used it to learn Spanish earlier this year. The owl is a little scary, but it’s not a bad program.”

“Aha!” said Bucky. “You can use a cell phone!”

“Bucky, not using a cell phone isn’t a sign of superior age, it is just a sign of inferior use of resources. With an attitude like that, I find it hard to believe you lived through the Depression.”

Bucky pouted. “My best friend put cardboard in his shoes.”

“Wah, wah,” said Erik. “Get a cell phone.”

Bruce cleared his throat and picked up the Haggadah. “Whyonthisnightdoweeatonlymatzoh?”

“Do you have something stuck in your esophagus?” Clint asked.

“Why on this night do we only eat matzoh? Or dip bitter herbs in salt water? Or recline as we eat? By having the youngest child ask these questions, it reminds us that we are a people who learns through stories. And telling a story, living a story, is what the Passover seder is all about.” Bruce put the Haggadah down. Erik and Bucky both opened their mouths, and Bruce continued before they could start arguing again. “As we read through the story, we think of the four children--The wise child, who asks what we can take from this story, the wicked child who asks why we’re even doing this, in the first place, because let's admit it, we’re really here for the tzimmes--” Bruce glanced at Clint, who shrugged innocently-- “the simple child who asks what this is, and the child who doesn’t even know what to fucking ask, big mood, me too, I’m a dumb bitch.”

“No one said you had to read the commentary,” Clint said. “Ben?”

Ben Grimm grumbled and picked up his haggadah. “What page we on?”

Bruce leaned over and showed him.

“Awright. So… When the first Jews showed up in Egypt, the pharaoh was tolerant, but as they began to multiply, the pharaoh decided to enslave ‘em, he forced ‘em to build the pyramids, and eventually passed a decree that all male children born were to be killed. So Yocheved, a Jewish midwife, told the pharaoh that all the baby boys she delivered were stillborn. When she had her own son, Moses, she put him in a basket and set him in the river.”

“There’s a really good song about that, in the Prince of Egypt movie,” Peter interrupted.

“Gotta love Ofra Haza,” Kitty agreed.

“Awright, awright, can it.” Ben Grimm waved to shut them up. “The baby’s older sister Miriam helped the Pharaoh’s daughter find the baby and he was raised as a prince of Egypt.”

“Plot twist, am I right, kids?” Clint put on a shocked look.

Bucky ignored him. “As an adult, Moses defended a slave from a taskmaster, killing the master in the process, so he had to flee the country. Many years later, out tending his flock of sheep, he came across a bush that was on fire but did not burn. The bush spoke to Moses, saying that it was g-d, and that Moses had to go back to Egypt and free the Jews. And holy shit, Clint, did you change all the dialogue?”

“I’ll take it from here,” said Clint. “Moses said, but G-d, my guy, I have a stutter from that one time when I was a baby and I put coal in my mouth by mistake. And g-d was like, go find your brother and he can talk for you, but you have to be the one leading the group.” Clint looked up. “Side note: I googled to see if there was anything to put on the seder plate to symbolize people with disabilities--You know, like we have an orange for LGBT people?--But I guess that’s not a thing? Anyway--” he went back to the haggadah-- “So Our Man Moses and his brother Aaron went to pharaoh, which was a super big deal because back in the olden days only pharaoh’s advisors could see him (and I’m assuming the mother of his children) and were like, ‘let my people go.’ Pharaoh was all like, ‘no. In fact, now you Jews have to make find the raw materials of bricks on top of all the other shit.’”

“Please tell me you didn’t rewrite the whole rest of this,” Natasha said. “Please.” She picked up her haggadah again and scanned the page. “Oh, thank g-d.”

“I think my edits were brilliant.”

“They’re not,” Natasha said.

“Now everyone gets to eat a little bit of charoset on the matzoh,” Bucky said. “Little sandwich. And don’t forget the horseradish, unless you’re a pussy.”

“Hey, I like horseradish, but Hulk doesn’t,” Bruce protested. “I don’t want him trashing this seder and breaking all these Zoo Pals plates.”

Natasha rolled her eyes.

Wanda passed Kitty the plate of matzoh and the charoset. Kitty was pretty sure Pietro was on his fourth sandwich--She thought he’d made two already, super fast, but she couldn’t be sure.

“This charoset is really good, Mr Bucky,” Peter said.

“Family recipe,” said Bucky.

“Is everyone done?” Natasha asked. “Okay. Pharaoh refused to let the Jews leave Egypt, so G-d turned the waters of the Nile to blood, and neither man nor beast could drink. As we recite each plague, we should flick a drop of wine out of our cups, to symbolize that our cups of joy cannot be full while others are suffering.”

Everyone stuck a finger in their cups and flicked a bit of wine onto the purple plastic tablecloth. “BLOOD!” they chorused.

“I can’t help but notice that the writing style in this haggadah is all over the place,” Bruce said.

“Yeah, I just printed one offline, and then I edited it. And then I guess Clint edited that.” Bucky shrugged. “Okay, Pietro, your plague.”

“Pharaoh agreed to let the Jews leave, but when the water turned back to water, he was all like “no” again. So G-d sent a plague of frogs. No one could move, or sit, or walk without…” Pietro wrinkled his nose. “Without getting up close and personal with a buncha slimy bois. Clint, I hate you.”

“Who doesn’t?” Clint smiled. “Okay, FROGS!”

“FROGS,” everyone said, doing the wine drop thing.

They went through lice, wild animals, livestock disease, and boils before someone else interrupted.

“Hail. Reminds me of the deli on Coney Island,” Erik said. “Back in, oh, ‘49, you could go and get a nice reuben for a nickel. Solly’s, that was a nice place.”

“I think you mean Max’s,” Bucky said. “Solly’s was on Flatbush.” 

“No, no, that was Izzy’s,” said Erik. “Solly’s was on Coney Island. Was there through the sixties. Nice place. I took Charles there in ‘65. He hated the pickles.”

“That was definitely Max’s,” said Bucky. “I know because Steve and I used’ta go every summer. Last day a summer before school, we went to Max’s.”

“I know for a fact it was Solly’s,” Erik said.

“Oh, my g-d,” said Bruce. “It was Max’s until 1948, and then they sold it and it became Solly’s.”

Erik and Bucky both looked at him, then at each other. “I was right,” they said simultaneously, with the exact same inflection.

“Can we finish the plagues?” Natasha asked. “Or do you need to fistfight over Mostel versus Topol?”

“General vocals or as Tevye, specifically?” Bucky asked. Natasha made a noise that somehow perfectly conveyed that she had his murder planned out if he didn’t shut up within the next few seconds.

“Moses n’ Aaron went to pharaoh and again pleaded with him to let their people go, ‘n again G-d hardened his heart. Then G-d sent down a plague of locusts that ate everything green in sight.” Ben elbowed Bruce. “That would not be great for you, would it?”

Bruce shrugged. “I’d like to see some locusts try to eat the big guy.”

Bucky had darkness, then Clint was last.

“Oh, there’s ten of us an ten plagues! Love that. Okay, so… Right. Moses and Aaron went back one last time, and again G-d hardened Pharaoh’s heart. That night Moses told all the Jews to mark their doorsteps with lamb’s blood (shoutout to the lamb shank on the seder plate). Over all the unmarked houses passed the Angel of Death, taking with it the death of all the first born sons.” Clint frowned. “That one’s sad, actually.”

“The Bible is a mess,” said Natasha. “My turn? Yeah. Why did G-d keep hardening Pharaoh’s heart? One interpretation is that He wanted to remind us that actions form habits, and habits are hard to break. Oh, wow, Bucky actually wrote this commentary. This is a callout @ Clint, who never remembers to eat breakfast, and that’s a bad habit for people.”

“You never remember to eat breakfast!” Clint protested. "Why do I have to?" 

“I’m full of knockoff super soldier serum. You’re just full of coffee.” Bucky looked at Erik. “I remember when you could get a cup of coffee for a nickel.”

“Eh, so what. So does everyone over the age of seventy.” Erik shrugged. “Pietro, your turn to read, yes?”

“Yes,” said Pietro. “The next day, the Pharaoh allowed the Jews to leave. They fled quickly, without taking the time for bread to rise, and that’s why we have to eat cardboard every fucking year for a week, instead of pizza.”

Clint shrugged. “Am I wrong?”

“You are not wrong, this time. This time you make a good point.” Pietro went back to the haggadah. “They ran to the banks or the Red Sea, and Pharaoh changed his mind, sending the army after them. There they were, with the army on one side and the sea on the other, and Moses raised his staff and the water parted. They walked through, and the army followed, but once the Jews were safe G-d let the sea fall, drowning their pursuers. Miriam, Moses and Aaron’s sister, led them in a dance of gratitude. Legend says that the angels also sang and danced, which totally pissed G-d off, because yeah, it makes sense for the people who just escaped slavery to celebrate, but the angels should recognize the spark of good in everyone. And that’s why we remove a bit of wine from our cups with each plague. Wow! Parallels.”

“When do we drink the next cup of wine?” asked Ben. “I haven’t been to one of these things in forever, and now I remember why. I’m starving.”

“Now,” said Bucky. “We can all drink the second glass.”

Kitty finished her wine. She wasn’t used to any wine at all, and even a glass and a half made her feel warm. They passed the bottle around--It might have been a different bottle, at this point--and refilled their glasses. Bucky lifted an empty glass.

“The third glass of wine is--Okay, I don’t know what it’s for, actually. Another blessing. Anyway, I’ll pass around Elijah’s cup, and we each pour a little of our own into it.”

“Passover ghost! Passover ghost!” Peter chanted under his breath. Hell yeah.

When Elijah’s cup was totally full, Bucky stuck it out the window. It was pretty obvious that he just poured it out, but when he pulled it back inside, he gasped dramatically.

“Wow! It looks like Elijah drank it all!” Bucky exclaimed.

Peter, Wanda, Pietro, and Kitty looked at each other, then broke out in a chorus of “wow!”s and “I can’t believe it!”s. Bucky looked pleased.

“Good kids,” he said. “Let’s eat.”

+++++

Erik’s Matzoh balls were astonishingly good. Also astonishing was how drunk he could get on three glasses of Manischewitz. Actually, Kitty could have sworn he’d only had one and a half. Granted, he was, like, ninety years old. So far, throughout the meal, he’d lead everyone in a rousing rendition of “Dayenu,” told a great story about the first time Charles Xavier had tried matzoh, gotten into another argument with Bucky about the various charms of an egg cream, and called Kitty “Ketzelah” more times than she could count. He’d even given Bruce his matzoh ball soup recipe.

“Oh, I know Charles,” he slurred. “The stories I could tell, Ketzelah. In, oh, sometime in the sixties, he threw this party at the X-Mansion. I know, you’ve heard the stories of what it was like in those days. He says it was all work but he is not telling the truth! Oh, no no no. We were scrubbing champagne out of the rugs for days. And the things he did! Not for your ears!” Erik tapped her ear. “Your ears should not hear that during that party, he pulled me into the pantry, grabbed my belt loops, and--”

“Afikomen time!” Bucky declared striding back into the room. Kitty was disappointed, because she loved hot gossip, but also relieved, because it felt kind of like her father’s ex from a previous marriage talking about.. Well, about whatever it was that Erik had been talking about.

Kitty looked around, and realized who she was up against to find the afikomen. Someone who could run faster than time, someone who could climb on walls, someone who could read minds… and someone who, although he was a great acrobat and archer, didn’t really have any afikomen-specific skills.

“I’m so gonna win this,” Clint said.

“On your mark, get set, go!” said Bucky, and they were off. Pietro was gone in a flash, Peter scuttled up a wall, and Kitty phased through the nearest wall. She planned to just walk a perfect grid pattern--

“Found it,” said Pietro, popping back into the dining room. “You did not see that coming?”

“Rats,” said Clint. “Okay, we should have seen that coming.”

“Who wants macaroons?” Bucky asked. Then his metal arm started shaking uncontrollably.

Everyone looked at Magneto. Kitty had a sinking feeling in her chest. Was this whole thing a trap?

But no. He’d just fallen asleep on the table, and was shaking Bucky’s arm and the seder plate with every snore.

Natasha looked from Bucky, to Erik, and back. “I hate to break it to you, Barnes,” she said, “But I think he’s older.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said, “You know what, I think you’re right.”

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This entire idea was a late-night discord server conversation. Gradually came up with the idea for Bucky and Clint to host a seder and a whole bunch of these shenanigans, I came up with a whole bunch of shenanigans, I wrote it all down, and here it is in all its glory.
> 
> +++++
> 
> Glossary for the Goyim (and Jews who aren’t fluent in Yiddish. Lmao I’m sure not)
> 
> Goyische--”goy” is Hebrew for “non-Jew”, or gentile. Some people will tell you it’s a slur. Those people are wrong. It’s literally just a different language. 
> 
> Geshayt--Yiddish word for smart. 
> 
> Ketzelah--Yiddish word for “kitten.” Also a term of endearment. 
> 
> Zeyer Shtark--Yiddish for “very strong.” 
> 
> umshuldik aoyern--Yiddish for “innocent ears.” 
> 
> alter cocker--Yiddish for cranky old person, basically. 
> 
> Manischewitz--shitty kosher wine. It’s bad. And if you get drunk off it, it means you’re a super mega lightweight. 
> 
> Chag pesach sameach--chag sameach means Happy holidays. Throw the “pesach” in there for Passover. 
> 
> Haggadah--the text of the seder. I think there’s an official one, somewhere; My family has always used our own, and I think Clint is definitely the kind of person to find a free pdf online. They can be hours long sometimes. By the time they’re over, you can’t think because you’re so hungry (and all you’ve had is wine). Luckily, I’ve never had to sit through anything that long. 
> 
> Seder plate--We put a plate in the middle of the table with a bunch of symbolic stuff on it. Honestly? I never remember everything that’s on it. Google knows better. Also, google has a bunch of cool stuff that some people have added to it, like an orange for LGBT rights and a tomato, to remind us to fight for those who are still slaves today. 
> 
> matzoh--We can’t eat leavened bread on Passover, so instead we eat matzoh, which is basically a cracker that tastes like cardboard. The first few days of Passover, you forget why you hate it. The last few days, you remember. 
> 
> Charoset--sliced apples, walnuts, cranberries, some other stuff, and wine. It’s great. It makes matzoh worth it. 
> 
> afikomen--After seders, the adults hide a piece of matzoh wrapped in a cloth for the kids to find. Winner gets bragging rights. Maybe in some families they get prizes. My family managed to convince us that the piece of matzoh (which tastes like cardboard) was the prize in and of itself. 
> 
> Topol versus Mostel--two well-known Jewish singers and performers. They’ve both played Tevye in prestigious versions of Fiddler on the Roof.


End file.
